Life is Going to be the Death of Me

There have been so many heartbreaking reports of death by suicide in recent news. My heart hurts for the loved ones left behind. The people who have so many questions and didn’t have any clue that their loved one was suffering. I pray for the souls that have departed.

During the journey to who I am now, I too thought suicide was the best solution to my issues. I was 28, a single mother, my dad died that year, I lost a great job and despair was my daily mentality. I felt like I was worthless failure and no one would want me. As a result of this, I prematurely had my tubes tied. Nothing seemed to be good in my life. I couldn’t see the good because I magnified any issues I had.

How did the people around me miss it? I didn’t tell anyone. I put on a good front when I was with family and friends. I would go home and wallow in depression. I’ve always encouraged others and did anything I could to help people. But I couldn’t help myself. I had a therapist and was even taking antidepressants. Those things were only a band-aid for the wounds (some self inflicted) I’d collected over a period of time.

On a weekday not long after I lost the job, I dressed as if I were going to work, and set out to take my youngest son to daycare (he was 3 at the time). I came back home and carefully and strategically wrote death notes to a few key people. I had instructions on how to get my son to my mom, what to do with my stuff and other information. I then got my newly prescribed bottle of antidepressants and a 1/5th of gin to wash them down and I lay down for my forever nap.

Plan interrupted. One of my son’s cousins knocked on every door, window, and wall. I heard the knocking and thought I was dreaming. But I slowly woke up, looked around and remembered what I was trying to do. In the moment, I asked God why I was still here. I was disappointed, because the same things that plagued me before were still there.

How did I move past that? It’s a great question. I pressed. I considered who was left in my life in spite of the problems in my life. I had weak, but new resolve to be better. Work has to be done in order to change your mindset.

  • Pray. Accept the issues you have. Ask God to heal your heart.
  • Do something about the things YOU can fix.
  • Dwell on the good things in your life. Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Philippians 4:8
  • Socialize. Isolation keeps you from a strong network and people that love you.
  • Be kind to yourself. Show yourself grace and compassion. Stay away from self depreciating talk.
  • If possible, make plans to do something fun; take a road trip, go to the movies, plan a weekend trip.

If you find yourself suffering with depression, anxiety, or anything that could cause you to think about suicide, I pray that you get the help you need. You’re not alone nor do you have to struggle alone. You are loved, cherished and valuable. Don’t ever forget that!

You will LIVE and not die!

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