Tag: hope

Life is Going to be the Death of Me

On By Tanisha TaylorIn encouragement, Uncategorized, Victorious Living1 Comment

There have been so many heartbreaking reports of death by suicide in recent news. My heart hurts for the loved ones left behind. The people who have so many questions and didn’t have any clue that their loved one was suffering. I pray for the souls that have departed.

During the journey to who I am now, I too thought suicide was the best solution to my issues. I was 28, a single mother, my dad died that year, I lost a great job and despair was my daily mentality. I felt like I was worthless failure and no one would want me. As a result of this, I prematurely had my tubes tied. Nothing seemed to be good in my life. I couldn’t see the good because I magnified any issues I had.

How did the people around me miss it? I didn’t tell anyone. I put on a good front when I was with family and friends. I would go home and wallow in depression. I’ve always encouraged others and did anything I could to help people. But I couldn’t help myself. I had a therapist and was even taking antidepressants. Those things were only a band-aid for the wounds (some self inflicted) I’d collected over a period of time.

On a weekday not long after I lost the job, I dressed as if I were going to work, and set out to take my youngest son to daycare (he was 3 at the time). I came back home and carefully and strategically wrote death notes to a few key people. I had instructions on how to get my son to my mom, what to do with my stuff and other information. I then got my newly prescribed bottle of antidepressants and a 1/5th of gin to wash them down and I lay down for my forever nap.

Plan interrupted. One of my son’s cousins knocked on every door, window, and wall. I heard the knocking and thought I was dreaming. But I slowly woke up, looked around and remembered what I was trying to do. In the moment, I asked God why I was still here. I was disappointed, because the same things that plagued me before were still there.

How did I move past that? It’s a great question. I pressed. I considered who was left in my life in spite of the problems in my life. I had weak, but new resolve to be better. Work has to be done in order to change your mindset.

  • Pray. Accept the issues you have. Ask God to heal your heart.
  • Do something about the things YOU can fix.
  • Dwell on the good things in your life. Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Philippians 4:8
  • Socialize. Isolation keeps you from a strong network and people that love you.
  • Be kind to yourself. Show yourself grace and compassion. Stay away from self depreciating talk.
  • If possible, make plans to do something fun; take a road trip, go to the movies, plan a weekend trip.

If you find yourself suffering with depression, anxiety, or anything that could cause you to think about suicide, I pray that you get the help you need. You’re not alone nor do you have to struggle alone. You are loved, cherished and valuable. Don’t ever forget that!

You will LIVE and not die!

Lessons in the Wait

On By Tanisha TaylorIn Waiting on God1 Comment

I hate waiting too long for anything. Who doesn’t? And I’m not one of these super humans who pray for patience and all that nonsense… Because trust me, God KNOWS how to test your patience. And that’s exactly what he did to me on July 16, 2020, when we were scheduled to go view my mom’s body at the funeral home. It was something I didn’t think would be happening for quite some time. 2020 literally knocked the wind out of us. The pain of her loss was nearly unbearable… Nearly, because I’m learning that when we give up, or stop wanting to move forward, God is carrying us along, recharging us, loving us and giving us peace. During the near hour wait, so many things came to mind. I asked God what he wanted me to see in this situation, Where was the lesson or message? (I know that may sound weird, but fellow over thinkers understand)

  • The first thing that came to mind was that sometimes the wait keeps us focused. Some of us are extreme over thinkers and we nearly ‘what if’ ourselves to death within minutes. In this instance, I was super focused on one thing: why did my mom have to die? That was the only thing I could think of. I was hyper focused on how I would respond to seeing her in her final slumber; how I regretted not coming home in May for Mother’s Day or her birthday; how life would now be without her. FOCUSED. While we are waiting, we are sometimes consumed with the thing we’re waiting for. This could be good or bad. We’re in a constant battle to ‘capture our thoughts’ as mentioned in 2 Corinthians 10:5. We’re in charge of what we think, so we need to make sure we accept toxic thoughts and that we need a renewing of our minds.
  • The wait will either create unnecessary anxiety or a patient heart. Experts agree that occasional anxiety is normal, a part of life. It becomes a disorder when the triggers began to interrupt your life. An over thinker could be in danger of an anxiety disorder as we tend to play out many scenarios in our heads, excessively worrying. Patience, on the other hand, is defined as the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset. How to practice patience? First, know that Patience is a FRUIT of the Spirit. If you have received salvation, you have the fruit of the Spirit operating in you. The level in which they operate is based on your relationship with God and knowledge of and obedience to his word. Are you focused on the issues of life or the God of our salvation, who can manage anything that plagues us? Being rooted in HIM causes our level of patience to grow, because we know his track record.

Back to the story. As our immediate family and a few close cousins waited in the foyer, (masks on of course), the owner of the funeral home called my name and asked me to take the first look at mom. Even after almost an hour of waiting, I was NOT ready. I wanted to melt into the carpet, disappear, shrink back into the chair I was sitting in; ANYTHING but be the first to go in… BY MYSELF. Oh the joy of being the only girl. Immediately, my sister in love Marcia’s voice blanketed me.. “You will have peace during all of this”. I went in the parlor where mom was, expecting to fall out, completely melt down… But the peace of God that passes all understanding met me. I simply walked over, saw how great mom looked, inspecting every single thing, and motioned to the funeral home owner that all was well. And he brought everyone else in.

Pheww! I was relieved. I felt the anxiety and worry about this moment fade away. And guess what else I learned?

You’ll have to wait until next week.

I know, I’m wrong for that… But while you wait, think about some things that have caused you great anxiety. What are you doing to combat that? What is something you’ve been waiting on? Are you exercising patience?

“Wait on the LORD: Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: Wait, I say, on the LORD”

Psalm 27:14

Black Sheep

On By Tanisha TaylorIn Uncategorized6 Comments

Black Sheep

The worst thing in the world is to be a part of a family that you feel like you’ve failed. That’s exactly where I found myself 28 years ago when I finally had to fess up to being pregnant. I was 16, a junior in High School. I had a plan, dreams, goals and in just a few months, those would be altered. I tried everything to make all of it go away. I met with someone from The Children’s Home Society, I tried abortion – couldn’t, I was told I was too close to the 20 week mark… I was a baby having a baby. Everyday all I could see was the utter disgust and disappointment of my biggest fan club, my parents. When you’re the only girl and youngest of a family with 3 boys, you likely have had life handed to you, the spoilage was REAL. But this was something I wasn’t cute enough to get out of; something I couldn’t pout my way out of. I messed up bad. I was absolutely the Black Sheep of the family.

The shame of my pregnancy nearly crushed me, so for a long time, I hid it from whomever I could. I continued to march in the band, work at Walmart Snack Bar (Hey.. this was the early 90’s). I even thought I would still have my ‘coming out’ and participate in the Debutante Ball… Not a chance. This and the rejection of family, friends and church people that had known me all my life was like the nail in a coffin. I felt like life was over. The thing about being a Black Sheep, is that you kinda stand out without really trying. You are either someone that people run from, or someone that people tried to get close to… Somehow, I was neither. I just didn’t fit, period. I’ve ALWAYS struggled with rejection and this was a beginning point, the root of it all.

Fast forward to present day, our oldest, the son of my youth is an awesome 27 year old young man, who wows me everyday with his words of wisdom, his weekly new music drops (He’s a rapper y’all: Check Him Out.) I’m so proud of who he is becoming. My parents, though disappointed, supported me through college and just life in general and I’m so grateful for that. But because I never dealt with the rejection and self hate, those things continued to plague me as time went on.

The Spirit of Rejection has destroyed so many lives and hold so many people captive. Until we realize that our worth is not about the things we’ve done, the challenges we’ve endured, not what people think of us, but WHO GOD SAYS WE ARE, we will not be able to fulfill God’s plan for our lives. I didn’t have a healthy grasp of this growing up. So It took me years to forgive myself and allow God to change my perception of myself. My being set apart was preparation for what God is currently doing in my life. I still feel left out at times; not chosen, not invited, not mentioned, overlooked… BUT GOD. I know there’s someone reading this that feels the exact same way. Don’t despair; He’s kept us hidden for such a time as this.

Romans 8: 15-16 says “For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father.16 The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God”  The Strongman of Rejection can no longer overpower us! We no longer have to succumb to that dark power. God has accepted us through the blood of Jesus and we are HIS! Join me in casting down the lies the Spirit of Rejection tells us by:

  • Renouncing rejection. Know your identity. Study the Word of God for the Truth of who you are.
  • Asking God to help you get over the need to be accepted by people.
  • Stop seeking revenge on the people who have rejected you. God is our vindicator and he allows some rejection to keep you away from things and people you don’t need in your life. Every NO isn’t rejection!

I pray all Black Sheep will rise and be the incredible people that God created you to be. Be encouraged: For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. Romans 8:18